Planning Your Wedding

Frequently Asked Questions

Below are some frequently asked questions that some couples find helpful.

The answers offered below are very brief and somewhat generic. Every situation is unique. It is always better to consult with a priest, deacon or other pastoral leader, who can not only tell you what the rules are, but can offer a listening ear and a pastoral response -- one that requires judgment and care as well as familiarity with rules.

Why is Marriage Preparation mandatory for Catholics and voluntary for Protestants and other religions?

The Catholic Church calls marriage a sacrament--one of the chief ways we experience and celebrate the presence of God in our life. Most other traditions do not.

While almost everyone recognizes divorce as a problem, the Catholic Church regards the permanence of marriage as a requirement from God to be taken most seriously. Yet Catholics experience divorce at about the same rate as the general population. To be faithful to our belief in the sacredness of marriage, the Catholic Church feels a responsibility to do everything possible to assist a couple to effectively achieve a permanent, sacramental, holy marriage.

No one believes that a weekend retreat or one day workshop guarantees a more successful marriage. But experience has demonstrated that it is usually helpful to challenge couples to consider and discuss the workshop topics--especially those that are sometimes uncomfortable or difficult to discuss. We believe there is a better foundation for a successful marriage with marriage preparation than without it, and we want to offer the couple the best support we know how to provide. We recognize their happiness is at stake. And we recognize that a successful marriage benefits the Church and all of society, not simply the couple.

If we choose a location outside the church sanctuary, for example, outdoors or at our home, are we still married within the laws of the Catholic Church?

Since the Catholic Church regards marriage as a sacrament--a sacred event in which God is specially present, weddings are normally required to be celebrated in space that is set aside for prayer and worship. We regard a wedding as not simply a private event, but a public commitment. Symbols and ritual are important in the Catholic tradition, and the symbolic value of exchanging marriage vows in a place of worship is regarded as more fitting than other sites--no matter how beautiful they may be or what special meaning they may have. Exceptions to this rule require permission from the Bishop.

If we marry in a Protestant or other church, are we still married within the laws of the Catholic Church?

The Catholic Church considers the sacrament of marriage to be conferred by the couple. The priest, deacon or bishop serves as the official witness of the church community. It is possible, and not unusual, for the Bishop to designate a minister of another faith tradition as the official witness of the Catholic Church as well as his or her own tradition. Such weddings would normally take place in the house of worship where the minister of another tradition worships. With proper delegation from the Bishop such marriages are considered every bit as valid and appropriate as when a Catholic priest or deacon officiates. However, if a couple that includes one or more Catholic's) marries in a ceremony where someone who is not recognized by the Bishop officiates, the Catholic Church does not recognize the marriage as valid.

If we marry for a second time without having the first marriage annulled, is it possible to straighten this all out with the Church?

The Catholic Church does not recognize second marriages as valid unless both parties are free to marry due to the death of a former spouse or a declaration of nullity from the Catholic Church. It is always advisable to consult a priest in such situations, since it is frequently possible for the situation to be rectified.

If my fiancé is of another religion; can his/her pastor/rabbi co-officiate at the ceremony?

Yes, as long as it acceptable to the priest or deacon who presides. It is also possible for the official of the other tradition to officiate without a priest present with correct procedures (the Bishop may designate a minister of another faith tradition as the official witness of the Catholic Church). Likewise, it is ok for a Catholic priest or deacon to co-officiate in a religious ceremony of another tradition if he is invited to do so.

May we choose to be married at a church which is not our home parish?

Yes. However, church law considers your pastor as having the "right" to officiate at your wedding. Most priests will delegate this privilege to another priest, deacon or bishop, or agree to officiate in another Catholic Church provided he is welcome there.

May we choose to be married by a priest who is not from our parish?

Yes, if he has permission from your pastor, who has the "right" to officiate at your marriage according to church law.

In the eyes of the church, what's the difference if we celebrate a mass or skip it at the wedding ceremony?

The Catholic Church offers a number of options for a wedding ceremony. One of the major choices a couple makes is whether to include Eucharist (Holy Communion) or to simply have a Liturgy of the Word. If bride and groom are both Catholic and most of the wedding guests will be Catholic it is preferable to include Holy Communion. Since one of the goals of a wedding ceremony is to bring people together and to celebrate unity, it is sometimes more appropriate to simply have a Liturgy of the Word and no Liturgy of the Eucharist when a number of guests are not Catholic, and therefore will not be receiving Holy Communion. This can create the impression of an "in group" and an "out group," which is not desirable. It is permitted for a couple to celebrate marriage in the context of a Mass if they choose to do so, even when the majority of guests are not Catholic.

What is the usual and acceptable amount to gift to the priest who officiates at our wedding?

Priests, deacons and bishops do not "charge" for administering sacraments. However, it is fitting to offer them a donation. The appropriate amount would vary depending on the circumstances. A couple with very modest means and a simple wedding might offer $25 and be considered generous. But a couple that spends thousands of dollars on clothing, flowers, photography, food, music, etc. should consider a more generous gift to the priest, deacon or the church to show their appreciation.

Some churches charge a fee for the use of the facilities and the necessary clean up.

Whom else should we compensate, parking attendants, altar boys, volunteers, etc.? How much?

It is always appropriate to offer a financial gift to show appreciation for services rendered. Unless a fee has been agreed upon in advance, no gift is required, but always appreciated.

My parents are divorced; how should I place them during the ceremony?

There is no correct answer to this question, since circumstances vary. If possible, couples should discuss this well in advance with their parents and decide on a solution that is respectful of the feelings of family members.

Some of the attendees will be non-Catholics; how will we let them know that they may not join us in the Sacrament of the Eucharist?

Most couples leave this up to the priest who officiates. It is a good idea to discuss this question with your priest before the ceremony is finalized, to avoid putting anyone in an embarrassing situation.

All wedding readings seem the same; are there any unusual readings we can use to plan the liturgy?

The church suggests several readings from Scripture as options. However, other readings from the Bible may be selected. While a certain amount of personalization and individuality is encouraged, there is also great value in tradition and ritual. People are not surprised when they hear the "regular" readings, vows and prayers. Guests can be unfavorably impressed by a ceremony that is "too original."

What can we do to make our celebration special and unique?

The above is not to suggest that your ceremony cannot or should not be special and unique. The best thing you can do is to spiritually prepare for the sacrament, not simply consider how to impress. Having a prayerful ceremony that expresses your love and commitment in a dignified, prayerful manner will be unique because the bride and groom are unique. Your personality comes through in the clothing, flowers and music you select. Your uniqueness comes across in your facial expression, your mood and manner. The religious ceremony is only part of your wedding. What you do at your rehearsal dinner, reception, etc. also conveys your values and personality, as does your choice of invitation, time of year, etc.

Does the Catholic Church require us to promise to raise our children Catholic?

When a Catholic marries someone who is not Catholic, the Catholic party is required to make a promise which says: "I reaffirm my faith in Jesus Christ and, with God's help, intend to continue living that faith in the Catholic Church. At the same time I acknowledge the respect I owe to the conscience of my partner in marriage. I promise to do all in my power to share the faith I have received with our children by having them baptized and reared as Catholics."

This means several things:

That the Catholic party is not just "culturally" Catholic, but values the Catholic tradition and intends to live as a faithful Catholic. Otherwise, it does not seem to make sense to have a Catholic ceremony.
That the Catholic party acknowledges his or her need to respect the faith tradition (or lack of one) of the person he/she is going to marry. That implies no secret hope that the partner will one day become Catholic. It presumes that children of the marriage will be taught to respect the faith traditions of both spouses and their families.
Since it is natural to want to share everything good with one's children, we expect that a Catholic who values his or her Catholic faith will want to share it with his/her children by having them baptized and raising them as Catholics.

We recognize this commitment can be difficult and sometimes even divisive. However the question will have to be faced sooner or later if the couple has children. Experience tells us that it is better to discuss it up front, before a child is involved. Certainly we don't want the blessing of a child to be a source of division in a family.

Freedom is important in the Catholic tradition. We don't recognize marriage as valid unless it is freely entered. So it is not the intention of this promise that a couple will "brainwash" or indoctrinate their children. Rather, it is our hope that the Catholic party will provide good example that will ultimately lead offspring to want to continue living in the Catholic tradition when they reach an age where they will make their own choices.

Sometimes couples decide to avoid this tension by raising their children with no formal faith commitment. We believe this is a disservice to the children, failing to provide them with a religious identity.